Arts & Entertainment

The Two-Second Review: What's Playing in New Lenox, Orland and Country Club Hills, Sept. 2-8

Your weekly movie listings, plus quick-hit reviews by a couple of guys who haven't seen most of these.

Clicking on a movie's name will take you to its official website, made by people who actually have seen the movie. The theater names will show you the times a movie is playing. If 3D isn't specified, the movie is 2D.

30 Minutes or Less
Some dimwitted crooks strap a bomb to a hapless pizza delivery guy and force him to rob a bank. Hilarity! Um, this happened in 2003. The guy died. Rated R. 83 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14Orland Park CinemaCountry Club Hills 16

NEW - Apollo 18
They're Blair Witch-ing the space race with this spooky-looking horror film made of "found footage" from a supposed secret last mission to the moon. Also the name of a They Might Be Giants album. Rated PG-13. 86 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

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BACK - Bad Teacher
Bad Teacher is back in the theaters, but Captain America is gone. I want to cry a little. Rated R. 89 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16

BACK - Cars 2
I can't wait to be a parent so I can watch Pixar movies too. Oh wait. I watch them anyway and nothing in my house is covered in jelly. Rated G. 113 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16

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Colombiana
After seeing her parents killed by mobsters as a young child, Zoe Saldana's character becomes a professional assassin out for revenge. How ridiculous. Everyone knows that when you witness your parents' murder you end up becoming Batman. Duh! Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14Orland Park CinemaCountry Club Hills 16 

Conan the Barbarian
Much like the late-night Conan, this too is being pulled quite shortly after its debut. Rated R. 112 minutes.
Playing in 3D at: Country Club Hills 16

NEW - Contagion
Starting with a midnight show next Thursday (so technically it's 12:01 a.m. Friday, Sept. 9), this movie features . Rated PG-13. Minutes unavailable.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16
Playing in IMAX at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16

Cowboys & Aliens
How Arizona sees the world. Rated PG-13. 118 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14Orland Park Cinema 

Crazy Stupid Love
Emma Stone is the most recent winner of the secret Hollywood drawing wherein she appears in every third movie for about three years, then disappears entirely. It's called the "Seth Rogan Lottery." Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Orland Park Cinema

NEW - The Debt
What happens to old spies? Apparently, they end up looking like genetic lottery winner Helen Mirren, which aint half bad. Rated R. 113 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark
More accurate title: Don't Be Afraid of Katie Holmes. At this, we fail. Rated R. 100 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14Orland Park CinemaCountry Club Hills 16 

Final Destination 5
It's funny because the final destination of most of the previous movies was the dollar bin at Kmart. Rated R. 95 minutes.
Playing in 2D and IMAX 3D at: Country Club Hills 16
Playing in 3D at: 
Orland Park Cinema

Fright Night
Colin Ferrell as a vampire, Chekov from the new Star Trek movie as the hero, McLovin as "Evil" Ed and a vampire-hunting Doctor Who. Nerdvana. Rated R. 120 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Country Club Hills 16
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14Orland Park Cinema

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
Harry and his magical friends prepare for a life of making guest appearances at Universal Orlando's The Wizarding World of Harry Potter every time they need cash. Rated PG-13. 130 minutes.
Playing in IMAX 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14
Playing in 2D at: 
Orland Park Cinema

The Help
I looked at the site and saw "extraordinary women," "unlikely friendship" and "the South in the 1960s." I picture a lot of scenes of people crying and a lot of Golden Globe wins. Also, Emma Stone. Rated PG-13. 137 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14Orland Park CinemaCountry Club Hills 16

NEW - Kevin Hart: Laugh at My Pain
Starting with a midnight show next Thursday (so technically it's 12:01 a.m. Friday, Sept. 9), this show of comedian Kevin Hart's comedy tour is only playing at select AMC theaters. Not rated. 88 minutes.
Playing at: Country Club Hills 16

BACK - Kung Fu Panda 2
Since it's a CGI cartoon, this is the only time you'll be able to see Jack Black in IMAX 3D without screaming in horror. Rated PG. 91 minutes.
Playing in IMAX 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Country Club Hills 16

One Day
Instead of talking about this romance film that's based on a novel with a hackneyed twist ending (Rosebud was the sled), let's build up the anticipation for Anne Hathaway's role as Selina Kyle/Catwoman in next year's The Dark Knight Rises. Ahhh, much better. Rated PG-13. 107 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14Orland Park Cinema 

Our Idiot Brother
It must be weird being an actor. "Hey, Paul Rudd! Remember the woman you made out with in Wet Hot American Summer and Role Models? She's your sister now. Your fiancée from I Love You, Man is now dating your other sister and your third sister is British. Also, grow a beard." Rated R. 90 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty James Franco! Rated PG-13. 110 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14Orland Park CinemaCountry Club Hills 16

NEW - Seven Days in Utopia
A cocky upstart at his competitive sport crashes in a small town only to find a crusty but good-hearted mentor, love with the local beauty and the spiritual essence of his sport. In other words, it's Pixar's Cars, but with golf. Rated G. 99 minutes.
Playing at:  Orland Park Cinema

NEW - Shark Night 3D
Not since Piranha 3D has there been such a strong contender for the Best 3D Fish That Will Eat You Academy Award. Rated PG-13. 95 minutes.
Playing in 3D at: Showplace New Lenox 14, Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16

The Smurfs
Because children hate magical lands of enchantment, the Smurfs come to the real world. Rated PG. 86 minutes.
Playing at: Showplace New Lenox 14Orland Park CinemaCountry Club Hills 16

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World
Available in 2D, 3D and 4D. I'm serious. They call it "Aroma-Scope." Also, they kept roles for the original Spy Kids, not just discarding them for the younger kids like so much Macauley Culkin. Good for you, Robert Rodriguez. Rated PG. 100 minutes.
Playing in 2D at: Orland Park Cinema, Country Club Hills 16
Playing in 3D at: 
Showplace New Lenox 14Country Club Hills 16

Transformers: Dark of the Moon
'Splosions. Rated PG-13. 154 minutes.
Playing in IMAX 3D at: 
Showplace New Lenox 14Country Club Hills 16

NEW - Warrior
Sept. 4 only, an early look at this film where Tom Hardy plays an MMA fighter in training and ... you know what? He's going to be Bane. Tom Hardy is going to play Bane in The Dark Knight Rises, Anne Hathaway is going to be Catwoman and, for me, any movie of theirs until then is just going to make me long for 2012. Rated PG-13. Minutes unavailable.
Playing at:
Orland Park Cinema

NEW - Wynton Marsalis And Eric Clapton Play The Blues
Sept. 7 only, a concert the two musicians played together this spring at Lincoln Center. Not rated. 90 minutes.
Playing at:
Orland Park Cinema

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